baby steps, right?

So, what did I do right yesterday? Not as much as I'd hoped I would.

*I ate breakfast (a banana). Usually I skip breakfast and start snacking on very unhealthy foods by late morning.

*Rich threw in some frozen pizzas for lunch...I ate about 2/3 as much as I usually do.

*I made this new bean and cheese chimichanga recipe last night (no, that's not the good news...they were incredibly fattening, though at least not deep-fried)...the good choice was stopping when I was full (oh okay, maybe it was a couple bites past full), even though I desperately wanted to keep eating! And I mean desperately.

Could have been better. Could have been worse. I really intended to do some stepping (just up and down on a little platform thingie--no fancy routine or anything)...but well, it's that blasted follow through thing you talked about Kara. :(

must not give up, must not give up, must not give up...

Okay. Big THANK YOUS to Kara for getting me out of my, "What's the point? I'm not getting anywhere with this. As usual." mindset. Maybe I haven't gotten anywhere YET...but giving up will ensure I never do.

And with this renewed committment, I guess I must go step on that blasted scale and see what I did to myself over the holidays. I'd say it was time for the drum roll, but those are only for good news, aren't they?

*****
Hmmm. Not sure how this happened. But it seems I actually lost three pounds. Probably scale error. Anyway, that means I begin anew at 221 pounds.

The question is what do I do now. The vague "make healthier choices" thing and the vague "cut down on portion sizes" thing and the vague "get more exercise" thing...well, none of those seem to work at all with me. And yet I seem to rebel against stringent rules, and end up binging after a few days of compliance. *sigh*

I've been learning with my daily exercise of looking at the good stuff in my life that I respond well to positive reinforcement. Just the simple act of noticing the "good" lifts my mood and has led to far fewer "breakdowns" the last few weeks. Hmmmm...could that be where those three pounds went...I am a reaction-to-stress eater (along with many other kinds of eaters!). Anyway, I'm getting off-track here. I've decided to see if I can make a difference in my eating habits with that same sort of positive reinforcement. So instead of focusing solely on how I screw up all the time, I'm going to come here and list those times I do actually make a good choice. Not that I won't have my "I blew it so bad...I'm such a freakin' loser...I'm never going to lose this weight" posts, of course. I don't think denying myself those would ultimately be healthy. But I am hoping like hell that over the weeks I'll find my list of good choices grow longer.

Second thing, we've been looking for a Gazelle Edge. Haven't found one in the stores yet, but have a few more places to try. If we can't find one, we'll order it on-line. I've long wanted a treadmill or something, but our house is just so dang small that there really is nowhere to put something big like that. This puppy looks like it folds up nicely. With the added bonus of not being so bad on my pathetic knees. I know it's not like a full gym workout or getting out there jogging or anything like that. But it may just be something I can stick to...and actually doing something small is far better than wishing I could make myself do something big.

Hopefully I'll be back this evening with a list of good choices I managed to make today. Oh, who the hell am I kidding...a list--HA! Yeah, I'll be happy if I'm back with one good choice I made today.

So this is Day 1, right?

Yes, in other words, the weekend was a bust. I simply don't want to talk about it.

too hungry to think of a title

Last night, not so good. Dinner at Great Northern Pizza Kitchen. Did I stop at one slice? No. Two? No. Just had to take a couple bites from slice three. The most pathetic part, I wasn't even loving their pizza. *sigh*

So, we're going to Pizza Hut tonight (Gray's choice because it's still part of his birthday treat--his friend couldn't sleep over last Friday, so we're doing it tonight). And I actually do LOVE their pizza. It's not looking good. Just not looking good.

Here's the plan. Salad bar (despite how lousy a salad bar it is) and two slices of pizza and water. Yeah, not exactly going to put me in contention for "dieter of the year" but it is better than the two breadsticks and the two-three slices of pizza and the Coke that I'll be wishing I could have, right?

*****
As for the unsweetened coffee and tea...I've actually stuck to it so far. And I'm still hating it. How long is it they say it takes to "acquire" a taste for something?

grrrrr

Wonder how long it's going to take to reacquire an appreciation for black coffee. 'Cause I'm telling you, this morning I'm HATING it. And it's making turning me into one very cranky woman.

oops!

Sure hope I don't have too many posts with that title!

Anyway, this whole "actually paying attention to what I put in my body" thing is going to take some getting used to. I fix myself a mug of tea, proudly forgoing all sweeteners. :D Yeah, well then a few minutes later I reach in the pantry and grab a huge handful of Baked Lays. Didn't even dawn on me what I'd done until after I'd eaten them. WTH?!!!

Obviously, I have a loooooooong way to go here...

what's a little embarrassment, right?

Okay, so I have this incredibly beautiful, incredibly talented, incredibly generous, incredibly awesome friend. Her name is Kara. And in case, you didn't pick up on it, she's incredible. (Don't even try to let her tell you otherwise!)

Anyway, she's decided to start on a rigorous journey. The journey of weight loss. I've decided to tag along. Yes, I've tried to make this journey numerous times in the past. Never got too far down the road. So, why try again? Because Kara has this amazing way of making things happen. She's a freakin' dynamo, if you want to know the truth! And I'm hoping some of that will rub off on me. And hey, it's a lot easier to battle the "demons" (aka cupcake cravings) when you don't feel so alone.

And why the blog? Well, in a word, accountability. I'm hoping the strategy will pay off. I promise not to lie. Not to make it sound as if I'm doing better than I actually am. Nope. I'll stick with the whole ugly truth. And hope like hell that the sheer embarrassment of it all will keep me in line.

The details? Well, I don't have them worked out. I probably won't follow any "diet plan" or anything. I likely won't even count calories or anything. Honestly, I'm just too lazy for that. But I'm hoping to implement one "change" per week. Along with just trying to 1.) watch my portion sizes (embarrassing admission #1: I can't seem to stop eating until I'm stuffed to the gills) and 2.) snack healthier (embarrassing admission #2: given the choice between a candy bar and an apple, I'll pick the candy bar 9 times out of 10).

My change for this week: No more sugar or artificial sweeteners in my coffee. :(

Okay, and now for the whopper of embarrassing admissions: My current weight is 224 pounds.

My goal: I would be thrilled if I could get down to 125 pounds. But one thing I want to mention--I do NOT for one second believe that one has to be thin to be beautiful!!! Yes, I admit that I'll be happy if I lose weight and find it easier to find clothes I like at the thrift store. Yes, I admit that I do tend to be hard on myself for being fat...though I don't judge others in the same way I judge myself. Yes, I admit that it would feel good to not feel so judged all the time. But honestly, bottom line--I know that for my health I need to lose this weight. Many people can be perfectly healthy when they are overweight. But I'm predisposed to both diabetes and high blood pressure. So yeah, it's time to try this journey again.